Why doesn’t passion between a man and a woman last? Why, in 100 percent of all marriages, does passion disappear just a handful of years after the wedding? What kills that glorious, heart-pumping, electric, sexually charged feeling of love and desire? I have the answer. And it’s not pretty. After two decades of intense marital research, I have discovered the shocking truth about passion. To cushion the emotional blow you’re about to receive, I urge you to sit down, take a deep breath, and hug your favorite stuffed animal to your chest. Ready?

Here are my findings. Something completely unexpected and terrible happens two to fourteen years into a marriage. The person you fell passionately in love with is replaced by an alien. I’m not kidding. The alien looks exactly like the wonderful person you married, but its behavior is bizarre, unbelievably annoying, and obviously designed to drive you insane. I’m telling you, it’s aliens. Here are some alien transformation stories. Draw your own conclusions.


When the man was dating you, ladies, he could communicate. He actually talked to you and shared personal things. Now, his communication skills have vanished. He has very little to say to you. Everything in his life is a secret. It’s as if he’s joined the CIA and all of his information—thoughts, feelings, opinions—is on a “need to know” basis. And, apparently, he believes you don’t need to know much at all.

Almost every day you ask him, “What happened today?” He almost always responds with the one word that drives you crazy: “Nothing.” You’d like to reply, “Nothing? Really? Were you drugged when you got to work and tossed into a storeroom for the entire day?”

Woman: “How was your day?”
Man: “I don’t know.”
Woman: “What did you think of the movie?”
Man: “I don’t know.”
Woman: “When do you want to discuss finances?”
Man: “I don’t know.”
Woman: “How do you feel about what I just said about our marriage?”
Man: “I don’t know.”


He has the memory of an amoeba. He forgets nearly everything, except all the vital statistics of his favorite sports teams.

He can’t remember the items you asked him to get at the store. He can’t remember the chore he agreed to do. He can’t remember the party on Friday, the one you’ve been telling him about for a month. He can’t remember so many things you know you’ve told him—to his face. When you remind him of something he’s forgotten, he replies with the same two, lame lines: “I forgot,” and, “You never told me that!” In the areas of his personal life, your relationship, and communications between the two of you, he can recall only the last half hour of his life. And, that’s on a good day. So, when he says, “I don’t know,” there’s a pretty good chance he’s telling the truth. She has the memory of an elephant.

She hardly ever forgets anything. She has an uncanny ability to recreate scenes and conversations that occurred decades ago. “Bob, a discussion about my mother took place in our kitchen twelve years ago. It was a Wednesday evening, seven o’clock. I was sitting at the table, and you were slouching against the counter. I was wearing a blue top and white slacks. You had on a chili stained T-shirt and those old, ratty, red gym shorts. I began the discussion by saying I didn’t appreciate your comment about Mother’s cooking.

Level of Sensitivity

The man you dated and fell in love with was understanding, sensitive, and mature. You were certain you’d landed the next Prince Charming. Now, you’re beginning to realize you ended up with Goofy. His behavior is often crude, offensive, and adolescent. You’d call him an animal, but you don’t want to insult animals. Husband, your wife is increasingly disgusted with your behavior. You believe you’re perfectly normal and that her standards are too high. You didn’t realize you married royalty.

She prides herself on being a refined and elegant person with excellent tastes, who values socially appropriate behavior. She used to find your antics funny and endearing. Now, she looks down her nose at you. It’s no fun being married to Miss Manners.

Entertainment Choices

Before you married her, and for the first few years of your marriage, the two of you seemed to enjoy the same television shows and movies. You’d watch together, and it was a lot of fun. Now, she will watch only serious dramas and romantic comedies. She loves a lot of talking, a lot of crying, a main character taking forever to die, and long, drawn-out romances.

At the end of every chick flick you endure, your wife will be crying. You’ll be crying too, but for different reasons. You’re upset because you’ve wasted precious hours of your life watching this piece of sappy drivel, and now you’ll have to listen to her drone on and on about the movie and what it means about her, about every woman she’s ever known, and about your relationship.

You really thought your man liked your type of entertainment. Why, he watched dramas and romantic comedies with you and seemed to enjoy them! You were sure he was different from all the other guys. But that was before marriage. Before the alien showed up. Later in the marriage, it dawned on you that he had been humoring you so you’d marry him.


You were both absolutely certain that sex would not be a problem in your marriage. You were very attracted to each other and your physical relationship during courtship was exciting, beautiful, and natural. But as with every other area of your relationship, after the wedding tremendous differences surfaced in your lovemaking. The woman remembers everything . . . except the last time she had sex with her husband. The man remembers nothing. . . except the last time he had sex with his wife. One spouse—usually the husband, but not always—desires sex a lot more than the other spouse The woman needs to be prepared for sex with communication, teamwork with the chores and kids, and romance.The man needs only an erection to be prepared for sex.

The problem is, he thinks his erection is all the woman needs to be ready too.

Welcome to the Club
Well, join the “No More Passion Club.” It’s a big one. A very big one. Believe me, you’re not alone. The loss of passion in marriage is universal. Sooner or later, it happens to every married couple. It might be two years, seven years, ten years, or fourteen years after the wedding. But the loss of passion will get you.

Copyright © 2009 by Dr. David Clarke, Used with Permission, Published by Revell. Adapted from Kiss Me Like You Mean It

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