Marriagetrac talks with Gary & Barb Rosberg about their book, The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women.
So what do your kids think of mom and dad writing a book on sex?
Barb: They were very anxious for us to get on to write another book, something really boring like communication [laughs]
Gary: Yeah, literally, one of our kids told us that.
So, what are those top five sex needs?
Gary: We surveyed 700 couples and asked men and women, ‘What do you desire to have in your marriage to have great sex?’ They told us. The number one sex need out of 60 different attributes that we gave them was really, really important for women.
Barb: For women, it’s affirmation. What woman doesn’t want to have her husband saying into her ear, “Honey, I appreciate you. You are a great wife. I love all the things you do for our family.” When a woman knows that her husband affirms her outside of the bedroom, he’s going to get the benefit of that love and devotion behind locked doors as well.
Gary: Then we learned from all of those readers that the number one sex need for guys — We were a little surprised at first — is mutual satisfaction. What we know is a man wants to be good at everything he does. He wants to be good at work. He wants to be good at sports. He wants to be good at technology and a good husband and a good dad.
Well, why would a man not want to be good at meeting the physical needs of his wife? Usually satisfying the wife means being “other-centered” which is what Christ is in our life. He’s other-centered because he cares about us. He died for us. That was number one.
The second sex need was the same for men and women — it’s connection.
A man will connect physically first and then he’ll open up his heart to his wife emotionally second. A woman will many times want to connect emotionally first and then open up sexually to her husband. So we’re created differently there, but we complement one another. It’s so important for a man to connect. Wives: many times it may be an assumption that the husband doesn’t want to connect. We found just the opposite. A guy does want to connect. He wants to feel safe and secure in that biblical marriage.
Barb: When a man validates a woman’s emotions when she’s had a hard day, he meets her in that moment. He helps her to drain the pain. He doesn’t challenge her. He doesn’t say, “Well, why let your boss talk to you that way. I don’t want you to get hurt.” When he validates the emotion of the temperament of a woman, he’s gentle with her, he listens to her; he will lower her guard, and she will open up more of her heart to him.
Gary: One of the things we have found through counseling and our radio program is that when a woman does not connect to her husband he feels rejected because his physical need isn’t met. Well, that’s how a woman feels when a man doesn’t connect to her heart emotionally and doesn’t validate her. This whole area of connection is an integral part within a biblical marriage.
The third need, especially for guys, is responsiveness. I know when I initiate with Barb and she responds physically, she is validating me and honoring me and showing me that she cares about that relationship. On the other hand, when God provides a husband and a wife to be the fulfillment of his sexual needs within a biblical marriage and we don’t respond to one another, we’re really cutting off that provision.
Barb, number three for the gals…
Barb: It’s nonsexual touch. Nonsexual touch is so important. It revitalizes and refreshes. There is a difference between nonsexual touch and foreplay. One leads to something and one leads to nothing.
When a woman knows that her husband is with her and he is trying to meet her needs in a nonsexual manner, she will feel refreshed. Later on that moment of intimacy will be important, not only to him but also to her.
That’s what happens when a woman’s needs are met, is her spirit refreshed?
Barb: When a husband attempts to love her in a way in which Christ tells a man to love his wife by walking in the Word — that’s refreshment. When Gary loves me with that kind of love and he reaches out to listen to me when I’ve had a very bad day or a bad moment and he steps closer and listens to my mind and then helps me to search for a solution — that is refreshment.
Gary: Then we found the number four sex need for men is kind of the kissing cousin to number three. Number three is responsiveness on behalf of a wife, and number four is initiation.
There is nothing that makes a guy feel better about himself than when his wife initiates sex. When a wife initiates, she’s a student of her husband. She knows that her husband has a sexual rhythm. When she can anticipate that need and save energy, initiate and also respond to him, that is a great life insurance for a biblical marriage.
Barb: Number four for women right behind affirmation, connection, and nonsexual touch is that of spiritual intimacy. There are three parts to intimacy and oftentimes couples are not experiencing it at all. They feel hollow, like something is missing. Well, number four is the reason. It’s spiritual intimacy.
We are told by research that there are far less marriages that are experiencing the fullness of everything that God has intended us to experience this side of heaven. Why? Because couples are not experiencing emotional and spiritual intimacy together and it’s truly that spiritual intimacy that makes your marriage exceptional.
Gary: The number five need for men is the area of affirmation. It’s number one for women. I love that. Because when a man speaks affirmation into his wife, both inside the bedroom as well as outside the bedroom, he is esteeming her. She’s feeling secure and safe. She’s feeling honored and cherished. It’s remarkable that most marriage vows the words “love, honor and cherish” are included. The vast majority of wives listening to Barb and me right now would say they feel loved, less would say they feel honored, and even fewer would say that they feel cherished.
When a man affirms a wife, she feels cherished. That may be the number one sex need for women, but it’s number five for guys. When a wife is cheering on her husband, affirming him, esteeming him, speaking respect into him — which is the most godly thing that she can do — a man will respond to his wife.
Barb: And then number five for women is that of romance.
Okay, guys, you knew how to win your wives before you got married. It’s in the little things. It’s in remembering say that little bunch of flowers that she would never buy for herself but she’d buy for her best friend. It’s buying her favorite label of peanut butter or remembering she loves a little package of figs. It’s when you treat her as this beautiful woman that you’ve got this side of heaven. She will grow in her love and affections for you.
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