How come men like fast stuff?

Whether we’re talking about food, cars or boats, guys like stuff that zings. Why wait for a fully-cooked burger when meat soaked in tepid grease is ready and waiting under the warming light? I want a car that can go from zero to 60 m.p.h. in 3 seconds and hit top speeds of 175. Not that I’ll have the chance to use those features, but it’s nice to know they’re there, just in case.

The same goes for boats, motorcycles, trucks and ATVs. Zoom! The wind blows through your hair or holds your hat on your head. It’s all so refreshing, so outdoors. Zipping along going nowhere gives a guy time to think.

And what do we think about? How quickly time passes. The shiny veneer of busyness helps us feel that we’re keeping up with the tireless flow into the future. We imagine we’re somehow in control when we have our hands on the wheel. We remember when we couldn’t drive and wanted nothing more than that priceless license. We barely blinked and we were graduating from school, marrying, having kids, grandkids and then retiring. Time screams onward and before we know it we’re putting away the pieces to the game of life. No matter how fast we push ourselves, we’ll never outrun it.

Why don’t men make their wives breakfast in bed more often?
Good question. We really should. Unfortunately, many men claim ignorance of the culinary arts. What’s a soufle? “Honey, I don’t know how I did it, but the bacon is burned again! And those crunchy things in the eggs . . . I think they might be shells.” You get the picture. But anyone should be able to pour a bowl of cereal, fill a juice glass and cut up some fresh fruit. I believe the real issue is one of balance.

First, we’re afraid we’ll spill the milk on the way down the hall. Of course, maybe we could set up the TV tray first and then set the bowl on it. (Just a suggestion!) And then there’s the deeper issue. If a man began bringing breakfast in bed to his sweetheart every Saturday morning, she might begin to expect such caring treatment on a regular basis. And then when would we get our turn? Wow. That almost sounded like whining. Maybe it was.

If we’re trying to be a servant leader in the home, making and bringing breakfast to our weary, deserving spouse is a great start. Truly, it’s the very least we can do.

Why don’t men put down the bathroom seat?
The answer is simple. We’re trying to be consistent. You’ll find seats up in every public men’s room across the U.S. and around the world. Besides, chances are good that we’ll be the next ones to use the facility, so why waste the motion returning the toilet seat and lid to their proper position? It’s all a question of efficiency. That’s the secret right there.

If you EVER wonder why a guy does what he does, efficiency is usually the answer. We simply want to be practical. No wasted effort on unnecessary niceties.

This explains why we don’t like to fold our sweats that are balled up in the corner of the closet. It’s much easier to pull them on without worrying about all that unfolding. Again, efficiency is the reason. It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?

When a man sees an old mattress in the middle of the road what crosses his mind?
His first desire is to create order from disorder. He knows that someone needs to step in and haul off that beat-up mattress — and it might as well be him. This is his way of doing the right thing, being a good neighbor and having a reason to haul stuff in the back of his big truck.

Knowing that the California king-sized mattress is too large for one man to handle, he enlists a friend. Together they’ll heft and heave the problem up and out of the roadway. But as they near the mattress, a wicked thought comes to mind: Wonder what would happen if we drove over it first? I mean, it’s not like it can be recycled or anything. . .

Next thing you know, with the gas pedal floored, he revs and roars his truck toward the helpless mattress. Smack, whack. The two guys emerge victorious, having killed the marauding mess in the road. High fives and congratulations follow for a job well done. They glance back to gloat, then stop short. The mattress is gone.

No matter how many times they drive forward and then throw the vehicle into reverse, the monster remains intact, clinging to the undercarriage like a growth. Going in reverse was probably not the best idea because it caused the mattress, in self-defense, to fold over on itself and become wedged even more snugly between the axles. At this point, laughter ensues — not just regular laughter, but unstoppable, gut-busting roars. Finally, the two guys untangle the mattress and yank it from beneath the truck. Now it’s time to hurl the load into the back of the truck and properly dispose of it.

All this goes to show that a man may be easily distracted, but he eventually completes the task set before him — even if it means driving over it first.

And that’s something you can count on.

John Perrodin is an ordinary guy sharing the secrets no man has told before. A father of six, he’s been married to his extraordinary wife, Sue, for 18 years. They were high school sweethearts — and still are. John is Senior Editor at the Christian Writers Guild,

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